Most geeks cannot imagine hating Scarlett Johansson. To most geeks the concept is absurd, unthinkable - like making a Star Wars movie without CGI or eating a pizza with vegetables on it. But geeks are quirky, contrary creatures. They love hating things that everybody else loves, and there is no hatred quite like the hatred of a film geek. To back up this assertion, I direct you to a brilliant piece of digital brutality written by Alex Carnevale.At first, I couldn't believe it. I was so bewildered by Alex's post, I misreported his gender in my first draft, assuming that any writer who hated Scarlett Johansson (affectionately abbreviated "ScarJo") had to be female. Hating Scarlett Johansson, it's like hating sunshine or rainbows or ponies. But here he was, Alex Carnevale, drinking the blood of unicorns and enjoying a big fat pony sandwich. He comes out swinging in the first paragraph, calling the engagement of Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds, a "walking thesis against the existence of white people."
Alex goes on for a bit and stumbles into the most brilliant political thesis I've read this year. Alex identifies what I'll call "The Blonde Vote" - the army of cute blonde girls who are going to walk up and tell you to vote for Obama this year. "These young people will not necessarily have been interested in politics before," Alex says, "but they will be utterly convinced of one thing: Barack Obama is the man to lead our country." you know that Obama once saved 16 Venezuelan children?" they'll say. "And he smokes cigarettes just like us!" Whatever you think of Obama, please do not underestimate the power of blondes. That may be the source of all this ScarJo outrage - a grass-roots rebellion against the blonde power structure.
This isn't the first time I've crossed swords with film geeks over the issue of Scarlett Johansson. Two years ago I wrote a negative review of the movie "Lost in Translation" and was described as "crude and reactionary" - a description so perfect it should be my mission statement. Everybody I knew described this as a great movie, but I just didn't get it - Bill Murray and ScarJo bumming around a Japanese hotel for two hours - a world full of smug, disaffected yuppies, sneering at everything and whining about loveless marriage.
The backlash from my friends was so bad, I bought a DVD and watched it 12 times, convinced that this was a great movie that I just wasn't smart enough to understand. I watched it so much I made myself like it, kind of like G. Gordon Liddy training himself to eat rats. By the end of the weekend I was so confused I couldn't even tell the difference between love and hate anymore. I was rescued by my friend Cynthia Rockwell who rose above the debate and taught me the real truth about film geeks. First, if your review is smart enough, you're allowed to love things and hate them at the same time. And second, being a geek means never having to say you're sorry.
Cynthia has her own reasons for hating Scarlett Johansson, and the characters she represents: "'I'm a rich, bored princess who doesn't have anyone treating me like a magical enigma anymore. I'm so sad. I want daddy.' Women are not magic, not enigmas. Magic and mystery can't be sustained in a human being, and the stereotype keeps men wanting the ephemeral, the thing that does not exist."
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